bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
