Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
