im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
