final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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