I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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