I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
