It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
