I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Randomize
