that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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