just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So squirting runs in the family.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
