wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
