I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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