I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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