I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
