Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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