1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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