the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
