I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
