i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
