They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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