RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I had to cum in my sink.
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