Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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