Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize