all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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