While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize