your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
