i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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