i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
