I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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