Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
