u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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