My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
