Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
