just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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