People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
