i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
