I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
