As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
