I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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