the condom got lost in my hair
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
