how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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