the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
