i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
