so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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