i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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