there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
