Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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