so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
