Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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