I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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