she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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