I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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