R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
