the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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